Friday, February 26, 2010

Jealousy and Guilt

I never in my life remember being truly jealous of anyone else. I have never been jealous of any ones house, husband, job, car, or money. So feeling like a jealous person is something that is really hard or me to deal with. I never started being jealous until it came to trying to have a baby. It seems that most people seem to be able to do it so easily. Not that I would want anyone to ever have to experience what I am going through it's just I sometimes wonder why it is that it has to be so hard for me.

I have many people in my life right now who are pregnant. People that I love and care about very much. People that I pray will have healthy pregnancies and babies. The hard part is at the same time I am very jealous of them. I wonder why it is not me too. When people tell me they are pregnant I want to be able to look at them and smile and say congratulations I am so happy for you. I want to say it and in my heart without any hesitation and REALLY mean it. Instead I feel like I have been punched in the stomach and I force a smile and I say congratulations and then I go off where I can be by myself and cry. This is where the guilt comes.

I feel guilty for many things. I feel guilty that when people find out they are pregnant they dread telling me because they know that it is going to make me upset. This is really hard because I hate that I take away a little bit from their happiness because of my sadness. I hate the fact that I feel guilty because of something I have no control over in my life that is affecting something good in theirs. I hate when people come to tell me and I can tell by the look in their eyes they are sorry to tell me. Mostly I hate that these people who mean so much to me are having something wonderful go on in their lives and in normal circumstances I would be able to enjoy it and embrace it with them but instead my first instinct is to distance myself just a bit because it is just to hard for me.

Then there is my husband. My husband has told me more times than I can count that he loves me and he loves my son and that with the two of us his life is complete. He said more kids or not he will be happy. I know that my husband has always pictured his life with children, yes he has my son and he is a wonderful stepfather but I mean his own children. He loves children so much. I love to watch him play with our nieces and nephews. He always talks about his friends kids and how cute so and so's baby is. I feel guilty that if my husband would not have picked me maybe he would have his own kids by now. He tells me all that time that he thinks it will happen at some point for us but if it doesn't he is perfectly happy. Its hard enough to know that I am the reason that my dreams have not come true but if is even harder knowing that you may not be able to give the person you love what they deserve. He would be such a wonderful father.

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