Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Relieved and Frusterated

Well I just got the call from the fertility Dr with the blood work results I have been waiting for and everything came back in normal range. Which I was very relieved to hear. I actually started crying which lets me know I was stress a lot more about it than I originally thought. Then I started to think about it.

I am having a hard time knowing if I should be excited or disappointed. I don't really want anything to be wrong with me, but now at the same time I have no answers at all. I am now into the unexplained fertility category. I guess my feeling is, if there was some answer they could give me at least then they would have something to fix. Now there is no answers and nothing they can do to fix anything. So does this mean I should just continue on and if we get to the end of all our options I need to just think that it is God's plan that I not have children and accept it. That would be the only conclusion I could come up with.

I was hoping that these test would give me some sort of answer to why I don't have a baby in my arms right now. At least then I would have a name to put to my disappointment and struggles. I could say " well we have not been able to have a baby because..... and this is what they do to fix it." Instead I am stuck here scratching my head still wondering if there is ever a baby in my future.

Now comes the decision for Kevin and I. Do we spend the large sum of money to do IVF? Once we do that, that is the finally straw for us and from there either we are pregnant or we decide to move on with our lives. I am not sure I am quite ready for the finality in my journey of trying to have a family. Or do we try one more time IUI in which the cost is not quite as high emotionally or financially.

I think we will do the IUI just one more time. I am not quite ready to take the last step towards the end of my journey just yet. I am not ready to say this is it and if this doesn't work we are done. I don't know honestly if I will ever be able to say that.

I do know that we will not do the IUI until probably May. I promised Blake that I would take him to the Great Wolf Lodge on his spring break for a mommy and son trip. I want to be able to ride the slides and do things with him. What is one more month in the grand scheme of things anyway. Especially when you are waiting so you can see the smile on your child's face when you scream like a crazy person going down the water slide. That makes it all worth waiting for me.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

At least you have......

Sometimes I feel like people are under the assumption that I am not grateful or happy for what I do have. This really bothers me. I thank God on a daily basis for helping me make it through my divorce with my first husband and not having to struggle to make ends meet. I am thankful for the fact that I work where I do with the coworkers I have because I don't think I would have made it through everything I am going through without the support I have received there. I am thankful for my beautiful boy I have and that he is healthy and loving and spunky. I am thankful for my husband who I know loves me so much and would do anything to make me happy, and I know it is so hard for him to watch me be sad. I am thankful I have both of my parents. I am thankful that I have all of my family and that everyone is healthy and has stayed safe. I am thankful my friends. So to the people who think I am not grateful I am very much so and I do think I am lucky to have a these wonderful things in my life.

I know that I am not the only one who has something I am struggling with in my life. I know there are some people who look at what I am going through and they might have something much worse going on in their life and they look at me and think she has no idea what it is like to go through whatever horrible thing they are going through. They are probably right. I might not. There are a lot of things I hear other people talking about in there lives and I feel guilty for being so sad about what's going on in mine. But at the same time I hear people complain about stuff that is going on in their lives and think to myself they have no idea how lucky they are.

I guess my point his whenever someone is going through something difficult in there life whether you think it is something big or not, don't say to them at least you have.....
They fact is that they are probably well aware of all the blessings they have in their life, but right in that very moment they are in, they are sad about what is going on and it seems devastating to them.

At least I have all the wonderful things in my life that I have, but the fact is I want a baby and I have always wanted more than one child. The fact is that so has Kevin and at least he has Blake but maybe he would love to have his own. My situation is a heartbreaking, stressful and just a down right hard situation. No it is not life or death. I will not die if I don't have another baby and life will go on no matter how this chapter of my life ends, but the fact is the words at least you have... are not comforting to me right now. Having a baby is my desire right now.