Sometimes I sit and think about if I don't ever get pregnant at what point am I going to really decide that the answer God has given me is "no". I have been going through this now for almost five yrs and I still have no thoughs of giving up. So at what point in time will I say enough is enough? When this point comes what comes next?
I know people who have went through what I am going through for ten yrs and they still have not given up. They still feel the sting when someone else around them gets pregnant. Does this mean if my answer is "no" that I will always feel the sting too? Does it mean I will never really be happy for someone else without being jealous for myself?
I have spend all this time concentrating on this one thing. I have to wonder if I didn't have this to concentrate on what would my mind be thinking of then. Of course I always think about my son and pray that he will grow up to be a healthy happy adult, I think of my familyand friends and hope that they all stay healthy and safe, but I have poured so much of my mind, body and soul into trying to have a baby when that is gone what will I do then. Either way if I have a baby or I never have a baby at some point my focus will have to move on to something else.
If the answer is "no" will we decide to adopt or will we just decide to go on with our life just the way it is. Maybe I am not meant to have my own, maybe I am meant to give a good home to someone elses child that needs a family to love them.
All I know is that soon enough I will know what my answer is and after I know that is when I will have to accept whatever it might be and live my life accordingly. Having all this time in limbo in some ways has been a blessing because I have hope. I am in some ways excited to know the outcome of the test and know what comes next, then there is the part of me that is scared to know the outcome of the test because this means my reality is going to be right in front of me good or bad.
I guess in life there are many situations where you are waiting for answers, whether it be for trying to have a baby and you can't, an illness of yourself or a loved one, a job, anything that you are waiting to find out the outcome. At some point you will have the answers good or bad and at that point I guess you have to just face it and realize this is your life like it or not. Then you deal with it.