Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Relieved and Frusterated

Well I just got the call from the fertility Dr with the blood work results I have been waiting for and everything came back in normal range. Which I was very relieved to hear. I actually started crying which lets me know I was stress a lot more about it than I originally thought. Then I started to think about it.

I am having a hard time knowing if I should be excited or disappointed. I don't really want anything to be wrong with me, but now at the same time I have no answers at all. I am now into the unexplained fertility category. I guess my feeling is, if there was some answer they could give me at least then they would have something to fix. Now there is no answers and nothing they can do to fix anything. So does this mean I should just continue on and if we get to the end of all our options I need to just think that it is God's plan that I not have children and accept it. That would be the only conclusion I could come up with.

I was hoping that these test would give me some sort of answer to why I don't have a baby in my arms right now. At least then I would have a name to put to my disappointment and struggles. I could say " well we have not been able to have a baby because..... and this is what they do to fix it." Instead I am stuck here scratching my head still wondering if there is ever a baby in my future.

Now comes the decision for Kevin and I. Do we spend the large sum of money to do IVF? Once we do that, that is the finally straw for us and from there either we are pregnant or we decide to move on with our lives. I am not sure I am quite ready for the finality in my journey of trying to have a family. Or do we try one more time IUI in which the cost is not quite as high emotionally or financially.

I think we will do the IUI just one more time. I am not quite ready to take the last step towards the end of my journey just yet. I am not ready to say this is it and if this doesn't work we are done. I don't know honestly if I will ever be able to say that.

I do know that we will not do the IUI until probably May. I promised Blake that I would take him to the Great Wolf Lodge on his spring break for a mommy and son trip. I want to be able to ride the slides and do things with him. What is one more month in the grand scheme of things anyway. Especially when you are waiting so you can see the smile on your child's face when you scream like a crazy person going down the water slide. That makes it all worth waiting for me.

1 comment:

  1. prayer for you today and for each day forward is to turn your back on any doubts. Send nothing but positive and grateful messages to yourself, your family and even those who disgruntle you. Arm yourself with hopeful energy and move as if failure cannot happen to you, but that a perfect plan is in place. You admit you are guarded...makes sense, yes..but to receive a great gift you must let go of control and accept that its a surprise. I cannot help but be hopeful for you as you will be an amazing mommy again and those who are rooting for you and your family will celebrate the walk..take that back...marathon you made to get here. Myself and others who do not even know you personally pray for you DAILY and that is a miracle...a surprise that should warm your heart and carry you forward with great anticipation. Now go accept your gifts!